Bella's Journal
by Reicheru-saiyan
Summary: This is my version of events after New Moon and before Eclipse from Bella's point of view. Her feelings looking back reflecting on New Moon and what happens now after. Mature for dark themes.
1. Chapter 1: After Volterra

**This story takes place after Bella and Edward return from Volterra in New Moon. **

**All Twilight characters and places belong to Stephanie Meyers.**

**Please enjoy and Reviews would be greatly appreciated :D**

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**Bella's Journal  
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**Chapter One: After Volterra**

...

It's been two weeks since we got back from Volterra and everything has changed.

I didn't try to go against Charlie to see Edward being grounded is good for me right now.

After the effects of being in a life threatening situation have faded I am happy to have seen him again yet nothing can ever be the same.

When he left me at Charlie's he tried to kiss me to comfort me and I just couldn't.

Could Edward really think that the past few months could be erased between us as if it never happened?

The hole in my heart is not whole again and I don't know if it ever will be.

He left me no matter his reasons he still left me and I don't know if I can forget that.

Just the thought of it happening again makes me want to curl into a ball and disappear.

...

Edward kept holding me in his arms on the trip back but I wouldn't respond.

I don't know how to act around him I don't feel like I can be myself any more.

We didn't speak more than a few sentences and I didn't know what to say.

I know he was scared and that was partially why he left to protect me but when it comes down to it he left me disappearing from my life and now expects to pick back up where we left off.

This can never happen I know that now.

When I am with him I feel numb and I don't know what to say or how to act.

Even when he went down on bended knee in front of me asking my forgiveness I still felt nothing.

I said that I forgive him and I can to a certain degree because I know that he was going to end his life because he thought I had died.

With that one thought there is no other option but to forgive him the fact of leaving but forgetting that I don't when or if I can.

I keep having the nightmare of him leaving over and over but I don't wake up screaming am just cold so very cold.

We go to school but don't talk or sit together though I feel him watching me whenever we're in the same room.

I haven't called, emailed, or texted him and have ignored his to me even though he keeps sending them.

Honestly I don't know where we go from here I still love him without a doubt but I can't forget the hurt and pain…pretend it didn't happen.

...

Soon I will have to tell Edward that I can't go back to the way things were before.

I still feel like I'm numb it matters not what happens I go on and I live but it's just existing.

I can't let him have my heart again this time I must guard it well.

What it comes down to is I don't trust him now and I don't know if I will ever fully trust him again.

He expects things to be as they were but I can't just pick up the pieces again.

When he left he wanted me to act is if he never existed but knowing he was still out there living a life without me hurt worse than if he had been gone forever.

I gave him my heart so freely without reservations I never thought to guard myself against him even though now I realize he is the one person in the world with the power to hurt me the most …to break my heart and steal my soul.

...

I want to be with Edward more than anything and will do everything in my power for that to happen.

I just don't know if we can get past this…the only way I see to go forward is to start over like we just met.

As painful as that might be it would be more painful to try to continue on as if nothing happened as if he wasn't gone from my life for months.

The more that I think about it if Edward truly wants to be with me he will have to try and earn my trust and my heart again.

There are more reasons I think he left then for my protection and to make the break easier.

I think he also was scared of our feelings for each other and how he'd never felt this way before therefore running away was easier than embracing our feelings and experiencing love truly for the first time.

...

I remember the darkness and the never ending pain in my heart until Jacob shined light through making me slowly live a bit again.

Edward needs to understand that I can't go through that again at times knowing he was somewhere in the world living without me in his life I fell into a deeper darkness.

Sometimes the coldness creeps up on me chilling me through to my heart.

I try to shake it away but at times it's too much and I feel the tears falling down my face.

The numbing coldness sweeps over me closing me off from the world till I am enclosed in an invisible shroud watching as life passes me by.

Doesn't he realize he hurts me so pretending that we are just fine and everything's going to be alright?

The more I think of his reactions to my behavior of his leaving in Volterra the more it hurts.

How could he so nonchalantly ask "and you believed me?" when it came to me breaking down into a despair so deep I thought I'd never find my way out because he left me.

...

It must be soon that I confess to him that if he wants to be with me one day he must gain my trust again.

If I don't tell him it will build up in me and little by little his carefree attitude of glossing over those painful tortuous months for me will chip away the love I still have for him hidden deep within my heart.

He is hiding behind his smiles how scared he was that he thought I had died and how strong our love really was…I know he is.

I will tell him this week for I don't think I can go any longer without exploding in anger, sadness, and in tears when I see and hear him act so happily after such a short period of time.

I know not how he will respond but it will be a relief to have my feelings known.

I would rather know now if we cannot get through this than to keep holding myself back not knowing how to act without fear he will be upset with me.

...

We must be friends again before we can go back down the path we were headed.

I don't want us to forget all our memories but I can't go forward I can't let him hold my heart in his keeping not yet if at all.

He told me that he would love me forever and do anything for me then to hear him tell me he doesn't want me any more destroyed me inside.

For months I was in a daze trying to make sense yet still not believing it was over.

I just couldn't leave the safe haven of memories that I tried to cling to desperately trying to hang on to the love we had.

If I let myself then I would forget him and I thought as long as I didn't forget him that somewhere wherever he was he wouldn't forget me.

Now I feel foolish that I professed my love so profoundly…so freely not holding back.

As I came out of my cocoon of self imposed despair I saw there were others who cared and that I was not alone.

If not for them I don't know if I would be here or not and that scares me very deeply.

I will talk to him soon I must for I can't keep living this life of deception…to all the world it's as if time stopped for us but it didn't.


	2. Chapter 2: Friends?

I told Edward today that we can't go back to the way we were.

He took me to our meadow and at first I had second thoughts about telling him there.

Then when I thought about it for a minute our meadow which has so many memories for us was the best place to tell him.

I maintained a distance from him physically and emotionally it was very hard for me but I had to.

I told him that I didn't trust him and that we would have to start over very slowly getting to know each other again.

Edward turned from me he wouldn't look at me for a long time than he told me maybe it would be best if we were just friends for now.

I felt as if someone had knocked the breath out of me the pain was excruciating in my heart.

This was not what I had expected and not being able to read minds like Edward he completely blindsided me.

...

I could be friends with him but to have hold back my feelings completely now this wasn't something I had anticipated.

This wasn't what I expected to go back to just being good friends I don't know if I can do that.

What I intended was to go back to where we started dating getting to know each other all over again.

Edward looked at me expectantly awaiting my answer so I hid my emotions away and smiled saying yes we can be friends for now if that is what you want.

He smiled back and said that this was best for now for him.

Inside I was quietly falling apart unsure still how to act or what to say.

We spent the rest of the afternoon discussing what had happened in our lives since the months have gone by.

Trivial every day things really nothing personal maybe even what you would say to an acquaintance.

...

When he dropped me off there was an awkward moment when Edward walked me to the door and neither of us knew who should walk away first.

He told me good night and he would see me at school tomorrow then he walked to his car and left.

I just stood there watching him drive away feeling my legs shake a bit and I fumbled with the door knob.

Charlie was home and grumbled that I had been with Edward and I just couldn't take it anymore.

I blurted out that he was just a friend and ran upstairs to the safety of my room.

I fell asleep crying then awoke from my normal nightmare so cold chilled all the way to the bone.

It had come true me and Edward were not together any more.

My soul had dropped into a dark abyss of numbness and despair once again but this time would be worse…he would be here living his life without me.

...

This time would be different I wouldn't worry anyone and cut myself off from my friends.

Yes I will keep my sorrow and pain to myself hiding it from the world.

I have heard that talking will make everything better but in my case it does the opposite.

I don't want to hear the empty platitudes people would throw my way hoping to cheer me up.

I would rather be alone then to try to feel something that I will only ever feel for him.

Because it's true even if I tried to be with someone else eventually my heart will never feel as much as I feel for him.

My greatest fear is that he will when he's ready to be with someone again he will forget about me.

I've always feared he would forget me and I cried so many times when he was gone I thought no more tears would come.

In my heart I don't think I've ever measured up to Edward that I am not worthy of him.

He is such a beautiful person inside and out never showing fear or worrying about small insignificant things like I am apt to do.

...

At first I was mesmerized by his whole aura of sexy good looks and gallant behavior he was a true prince in my eyes.

Then as I got to know him I started to fall in love with him and having never truly been in love before I realized I was falling for him when I couldn't picture my life without him.

To think he will be living here without actually being a part of my life as he was is hurting me so badly right now.

If I had told him no that we couldn't be just friends he would have cut me off completely I am sure.

That I couldn't bear so now I will have to take things one day at a time showing the world during the day I am fine until I can quietly allow my hurt to show at night when I am all alone.

This time I will guard my heart from him hiding all the hurt and pain until I am truly numb.

Then maybe we can really be just friends but for now it's too fresh too new and I can't go back that far it would hurt too much.

...

Now I don't know where to go from here the only thing I know I have to do is hide my love from him.

The way he was so friendly with me made me cringe inside till I wanted to tell him to stop.

Maybe I should try to not spend as much time around him until I can genuinely smile again.

I feel like such a fake but the alternative is for him to see my heart and soul laid bare which I cannot do it would hurt too much.

Edward was a perfect gentleman gone was the teasing and loving man I fell in love with.

Hopefully with other people around it won't be as difficult as when we are alone but I won't hold my breath.

All of the things he has given me and pictures must be put away again this time they might not come out again.

As scared as I was of this I am relieved to have told Edward things cannot be the same.

...

The result was different than I imagined and worse as well but we know where we stand this I can live with.

I don't want to tell anyone out right about this new change I am scared if I voice it then I will break down.

There is strength in me and now is the time for it to show through.

We can't go back or go forward on the path we were going but we can take a new one.

I don't know where this will take us but I still have hope and that is what matters.

Jacob is another matter though.

He will find out one way or another I know so maybe it's best for me to be the one to tell him.

But in doing so it will give him hope too soon after my very obvious choice when I left for Volterra.

And I do love Jake but I love Edward more I can't help it.

I really tried to love Jacob as much as he should be loved but in the back of my mind there was my love for Edward.

...

Soon the whole world will know we are no more but not yet.

I knew that I wasn't good enough for Edward but to face it head on is hurting me more than I thought it would.

This is the start of a new beginning for both of us but we will still be friends and at least I have that to hold on to for now.

What will tomorrow bring I don't know but am hoping it will be a better day.

The numbness is more if that can even be so but the unexpected happened and I suppose it's the only way I can cope now.

He hasn't sent me any more messages today but he probably is busy with Emmett hunting.

I am sure to hear from him tomorrow and see him at school like usual.

Jessica has been bugging me for info but I will remain adamant and not give in she will see everything is normal when Edward and I talk tomorrow.

...

What's making things worse is Charlie keeps asking about Edward since I am not grounded any more.

He didn't believe me when I blurted out me and Edward are just friends earlier and I don't know what to tell him.

Charlie would worry if I told him and be watching me constantly making sure I didn't go into a daze world again.

This time I won't I will be careful not to show anyone what is happening inside me.

If I pretend everything is normal than maybe it really will be and I can really smile again.

Right now I feel nothing my armor of numbness is firmly in place and will remain so until I allow myself to feel.

This is too raw and new for me to reveal to anyone let alone for to me to reveal my feelings to myself now that I am alone now.

...

I am actually looking forward to school tomorrow now I can relax a bit and not worry how to act around Edward.

I feel a relief now we can talk to each other like before we were together.

When I look back on things I am amazed we lasted this long and that he didn't get tired of me.

But Edward said he'd never get tired of me and that if I stopped bothering him he would bother me forever.

So am really calm now that I've had time to think over what we talked about.

We both feel the same way but it's better for him if we are friends for now.

When I think about it I wonder how long he's felt this way. I just wanted him to know things couldn't be the same but not like this however if it's what he wants then I will do as he wishes.

As long as he's here and it makes him happy I can live with it for however long he needs.

...

I don't know if I can go to the meadow for awhile though will always remember the way Edward turned away from me then looked at me with a cool gaze.

We had so many memories there and today we made another that will over shadow them all.

He was so reserved when he took me back home and made sure not to touch me at all.

Now I long for his arms to be around me as they were on the trip home from Volterra.

That is another thing what if the Volturi find out what will become of me?

Edward will not even consider making me a vampire now I am sure but they will kill me or turn me themselves if he doesn't.

I would never want him to make me a vampire just because of the Volturi threat only if he wanted to make it so we'd be together forever.

Now I doubt if that will ever happen but it doesn't matter to me becoming a vampire was so I could be with my beloved.

It is a small mercy he did not already turn me and I imagine he feels that way about it.

Tomorrow is almost here and now we will be almost normal again that I am very grateful for.


End file.
